Insecurites

Hello friends, it's been ages.
I guess a quick re-cap on my life since last year...
Things have been better. I'm still the reigning Procrastimaster, and that does tend to cause lots of stress. But besides, life has been pretty good.

However

As of these last couple months I've been realizing something:
I am way insecure.
Not about everything, really just certain things.

(prepare for a rant)
(and here's a picture because I wanted to have a shmancy blog with pictures)

Acne.

I know people are all "Everyone has it", "You're still beautiful", and all that jazz. Which sometimes I like to believe them. 

But it's hard.

It's hard especially when you have to deal with people who just don't get it. I've had conversations with people, and watched their eyes move to my forehead and cheeks. I've had multiple people (mainly kids, but a couple people my own age as well) ask me "what's wrong with your face". 

What's wrong? I have cystic acne. It's bright red and it's there all the time. I have things to try and fix it, but it's a matter of staying consistent (which I'm quite horrible at).

Sometimes it doesn't matter. I have really great friends that encourage me, tell me that they don't notice - that they don't care. Which is great. 

But again, it's hard.
Most days I wake up, look at myself in the mirror, and want to never be seen again.
I'm ashamed of who I am, just because of a superficial blemish.

And I hate that.

It's not just me, though, I'm sure... I hope.
I'm sure that lots of people have insecurities that cause them to want to stay home all day.

And that's the thing. People never want to show the bad side of themselves, the ugly side, the vulnerable and insecure. People only post the good days. That's not a bad thing at all. But it can develop a facade of constant happiness and perfection. For those, like myself, who are ashamed of themselves on those bad days, seeing that constant happiness in others doesn't help. We feel like we have to live up to the expectations those facades give.

But that's okay, I think. I think what's important is not being afraid to be yourself, even if it is an ugly day. I do try my best to not think about my insecurities. They're there, and for the most part that doesn't matter.

Until it's pointed out.

But even then, I try to take a deep breath, and remember that I'm still me. I'm still a cool person worth knowing, even if I have a superficial blemish.

Because it's just that: superficial.

And that's okay.

Life, mate...

Okay so life. Things. Woo.

1) My relationship life is pretty much relatively sorted and it's beautiful.

2) Life with my parents is the same ol same. Woo.

3) Confession time. I hate myself more than anything in the world. More than coconut and licorice and spiders. I hate myself. And I understand there's ordinary self-dislike for certain imperfections. But.. no. I hate me. And people are like "love yourself!", "embrace your personality!" But.. *it's not that simple*. .. And people just .. don't understand that...... And that's okay. But... Idk..
It's just people never expect me to be depressed or insecure. Because on the outside I'm relatively put together. But I'm not okay, and sometimes I get tired of pretending to be......
That's it...

My life sucks...

My life has gone through the wringer so much.

There's been friends gained, some friends lost, and some friends who are still somewhere in between.

Right now I'm a bit upset because parents.
My mom tries to understand me.. I guess...

I feel like she thinks she understands, but she really doesn't.

And it's just like what's most upsetting is that after almost a year of being isolated and alone, I'm starting to like be involved in friendships again.

And then now she's like saying my friends aren't important...

Well she's saying that school, my home life, and my respect for her are more important.

And sure, yeah. Those things are technically more important than friendships.

But I guess she forgets that just a few months ago I was willing to kill myself because of my lack of friends and involvement.
I guess she forgets that I know what she's telling me.
I know the friends I have now won't last forever.

And that's why I'm trying to hang on to them as long as I can.


I'm so afraid of being alone again.


And she doesn't care about that.
She cares about my school life and accountability and responsibility.

And I understand that.
But I don't care about it.

Even just last week, I would've believed that "alone is what I have, alone protects me".
And now I know that "friends protect people".

But it's being shot down every day.


I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of people saying they understand and saying they care, when they really don't.

I'm sick of people commanding me to do certain things.
I'm sick of people commanding me to believe certain things.

I'm sick of people commanding me to feel certain ways.



I just want to live my own life. Experience my own hurts. And enjoy my own freedom (which isn't much, but still).

I want to be understood and loved.

I want to keep the friends I love and trust closest to me while I have them.

I'm sick of being translucent.

I want to be opaque like the rest of the world.




But I can't be.


I used to think I could be. I thought it yesterday. I thought it the day before, and the day before that.

But now I don't feel translucent.

I feel transparent.



My parents have the strange ability to take all of the worth and love that I get from my friends, and suck it dry.

I don't have a good ending for this.. I just needed to rant.....


Thanks for listening.

Please don't reject me like they do.

Please don't let me be transparent anymore.

Realizations and Recollections

Hello you beautiful humans!

This post is called what it's called, because today, Jan 4, is one year since it happened.

"What the flippity flop does she mean by 'it'?" You may ask.

Well I'll tell you...


Last year, for the first few days of January, I had a weird habit of sleeping on the sofa downstairs.
So I had been asleep on the sofa, on January 4th 2014, when I heard my momma shouting from the other room that she was gonna die.
Yeah.
It was a weird thing to wake up to.
Before I had time to roll over and officially begin the long process of waking up, my dad shook me, telling me that I had to help him carry mom to the car so he could take her to the hospital.
I was barely awake. I had no clue what was happening. But something in me sensed the severity in his voice.
So I got up, and helped carry my dying mother to the car.
I say "dying", because that's what she was doing.
She was dying.
If you want to understand the feeling a bit better, imagine The Lord of the Rings. You know how when Frodo put the ring on, the ring wraiths looked like white and decaying people? Now imagine that exact look on your mother's face.
That's what it felt like.
But again, I was barely awake, and this observation didn't hit me until much later.
So I stayed home, and a bit later, my brother came home from work. He watched football and I had my dad's iPhone up in my room. We were getting calls and texts nonstop. I probably wouldn't know my dad's cell number as well if it weren't for that day. I said it so many times.
Sometime in the afternoon, a friend of mine came over. I'm still not sure how the news spread that quickly... She was great and very comforting. Poor soul didn't know what to do, so she started to clean my room...
But I was fine.
I wasn't sad, or upset, or angry, or anything.
I was fine.
When my sister came home from college, it bothered her so much that I was fine. She's just the opposite of me. When something happens, she's much more emotional about it. Where with me, it takes a while for the understanding to actually sink in.
But I was fine until sometime late spring.

I guess if you care to know what happened to my mom, here it is.
She had an aneurysm in her right leg artery thing. Eventually, a blood clot formed in it. The clot got loose from the aneurysm, and travelled through her artery thing, until it hit her lungs. Right where the branches of her lungs split, the clot got stuck.
No oxygenated blood = no oxygen.
No oxygen = no breathe.
She pretty much literally choked to death.

Yeah.
She died.
They said she was in the ambulance on the way to the hospital downtown (they only got as far as the emergency room), she coded (which basically means died).
She was on life support and a medically induced coma for idk how long..
Again, I was pretty oblivious to the whole thing.

I had an appointment scheduled for the 6th to get my wisdom teeth removed.
My dad almost cancelled it.
But he didn't and everything went fine with me.
I spent the rest of the day at a friends house (because everyone was downtown at the hospital), crocheting and watching crappy Disney sequels.

But my mom's fine.
They did surgeries, and let her out around mid-February.
She has to take meds, and has regular appointments.

But the important part is that she's here.

I know she'll probably never read this.
Which is fine...
But if there's one thing I would change, I would tell her I love her more often.

Because I mean we take relationships so for granted.
But we don't deserve any of it.
We should wake up every morning, thanking God for our families and friends and food.
But we get preoccupied with the events of the day, and forget how impermanent we human beings are.


So yeah.
Today was one year since all that crap.

That's one of the things that stemmed my depressing. But that's another story for another day.

So today, and every day, I challenge you to remember your families. Because they won't be there forever. Cherish every moment. Because anything could happen, and you never are prepared.

That's all really.. Sorry about the feels overload.

But not sorry, 'cause it helped.

Goodnight, beautiful humans

Well This Is Awkward...

I got this blog to be primary and all personal life and stuff... But so far, I've only used it for song lyrics and semi-deep thaaangs......

But I will update this sometime, and go through my life's important events ('cause I mean, y'all care :P), just not today. Today is busy. Tomorrow is busy. Thursday is even busier... I don't think I have a single not-busy day.... So I hope I can have a semi-not-busy day so I can talk to y'all :P.

Oh! And a shout-out to y'all in .... Alaska?? It says I get views in Alaska... So wow. Thanks y'all :P Alaska's pretty cool. :D

Shout-out to y'all not in Alaska :D I love y'all just as much <3

Car Radio

A really cool rap by Twenty One Pilots...


I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire
Exhale desire
I know it's dire
My time today

I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence

Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide it
My pride is no longer inside
It's on my sleeve
My skin will scream
Reminding me of
Who I killed inside my dream
I hate this car that I'm driving
There's no hiding for me
I'm forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real
I could pull the steering wheel

I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence

I ponder of something terrifying
'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind
I find over the course of our human existence
One thing consists of consistence
And it's that we're all battling fear
Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here
Oh my,
Too deep
Please stop thinking
I liked it better when my car had sound

There are things we can do
But from the things that work there are only two
And from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win
And fear will lose
There's faith and there's sleep
We need to pick one please because
Faith is to be awake
And to be awake is for us to think
And for us to think is to be alive
And I will try with every rhyme
To come across like I am dying
To let you know you need to try to think

I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence

I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire
Exhale desire
I know it's dire
My time today

I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence

Live

This post is for the broken. The lost. The hurting.

I was one of you once. Still sorta am. I'll post my story some day, but this isn't about me. It's about you.

So for starters, read my last post "Another Word For Beautiful". Go ahead. Do it.



People will have expectations for you. Sometimes they're kinda simple expectations, but most of the time, they feel pretty heavy.

You feel like you have to fit in at school, or with a certain group at school, or anywhere. Or you have to have perfect grades, or perfect hair, or the perfect figure. Or there's all of society's "do's & don't's" of life. You're expected to look a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain person. Or maybe you just love being with people, and you're afraid that they'll reject you unless you're this other person. And you want nothing more to be loved. So you conform to the fake life. You conform so much that the real you is lost... Nothing more than a wraith of a shadow.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

Because you don't have to fit in at school, or with that group. You don't have to have completely perfect grades, or perfect hair, or the perfect figure. Society? PALEEEEASE. Society is so down the toilet, I don't even know where to start. You don't have to look that way, or act that way, or be that person. And if it's that you love being with people, and you're looking for a semi-permanent relationship, BE YOURSELF. They'll see it someday, so it's always better to start out on the real you. Don't conform.

Because YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
You put yourself through all the self-judgement.
Something that I wrote in my journal while I was getting out of my depression:
I am my own prison. I can release myself.

DANG HOW TRUE THAT IS. It's all you.

A beautiful quote:
"Don't be too hard on yourself. Don't let the standard of your own self-criticism stop your progress. And you will have breakthroughs that you do not expect."  -Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch

Easier said than done, right? I feel ya.

The first step is to realize that if your friends really are your friends, they will love you no matter how different you are, no matter how low your grades are, no matter how weird your hair looks, no matter what size or shape you are, no matter how real you are. They will love you. So be you!


And if your so deep into the depths of despair...

Remember that other post I had you read? Good. It'll come in handy now.

LISTEN (or read... ... ...)
Put down the knife. Eat the food. Stand up, and face tomorrow. Because if you feel like nobody loves you, and nobody ever could love you, remember that I do. If you feel like you aren't good enough, or pretty enough, remember that you are perfect the way you are. You are beautiful to me. And if you feel like there's no hope, I believe in you. You got this. Anything is possible. You have a lifetime of adventures to fulfill. Don't stop now. You never know what tomorrow holds until tomorrow comes. So go. LIVE.

I love you.

You are gorgeous.

You are good enough.

You are YOU.

And you are worth tomorrow.





This post is dedicated to my good friend, Christopher. Keep your head up. You got this.


~RA