My life sucks...

My life has gone through the wringer so much.

There's been friends gained, some friends lost, and some friends who are still somewhere in between.

Right now I'm a bit upset because parents.
My mom tries to understand me.. I guess...

I feel like she thinks she understands, but she really doesn't.

And it's just like what's most upsetting is that after almost a year of being isolated and alone, I'm starting to like be involved in friendships again.

And then now she's like saying my friends aren't important...

Well she's saying that school, my home life, and my respect for her are more important.

And sure, yeah. Those things are technically more important than friendships.

But I guess she forgets that just a few months ago I was willing to kill myself because of my lack of friends and involvement.
I guess she forgets that I know what she's telling me.
I know the friends I have now won't last forever.

And that's why I'm trying to hang on to them as long as I can.


I'm so afraid of being alone again.


And she doesn't care about that.
She cares about my school life and accountability and responsibility.

And I understand that.
But I don't care about it.

Even just last week, I would've believed that "alone is what I have, alone protects me".
And now I know that "friends protect people".

But it's being shot down every day.


I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of people saying they understand and saying they care, when they really don't.

I'm sick of people commanding me to do certain things.
I'm sick of people commanding me to believe certain things.

I'm sick of people commanding me to feel certain ways.



I just want to live my own life. Experience my own hurts. And enjoy my own freedom (which isn't much, but still).

I want to be understood and loved.

I want to keep the friends I love and trust closest to me while I have them.

I'm sick of being translucent.

I want to be opaque like the rest of the world.




But I can't be.


I used to think I could be. I thought it yesterday. I thought it the day before, and the day before that.

But now I don't feel translucent.

I feel transparent.



My parents have the strange ability to take all of the worth and love that I get from my friends, and suck it dry.

I don't have a good ending for this.. I just needed to rant.....


Thanks for listening.

Please don't reject me like they do.

Please don't let me be transparent anymore.

Realizations and Recollections

Hello you beautiful humans!

This post is called what it's called, because today, Jan 4, is one year since it happened.

"What the flippity flop does she mean by 'it'?" You may ask.

Well I'll tell you...


Last year, for the first few days of January, I had a weird habit of sleeping on the sofa downstairs.
So I had been asleep on the sofa, on January 4th 2014, when I heard my momma shouting from the other room that she was gonna die.
Yeah.
It was a weird thing to wake up to.
Before I had time to roll over and officially begin the long process of waking up, my dad shook me, telling me that I had to help him carry mom to the car so he could take her to the hospital.
I was barely awake. I had no clue what was happening. But something in me sensed the severity in his voice.
So I got up, and helped carry my dying mother to the car.
I say "dying", because that's what she was doing.
She was dying.
If you want to understand the feeling a bit better, imagine The Lord of the Rings. You know how when Frodo put the ring on, the ring wraiths looked like white and decaying people? Now imagine that exact look on your mother's face.
That's what it felt like.
But again, I was barely awake, and this observation didn't hit me until much later.
So I stayed home, and a bit later, my brother came home from work. He watched football and I had my dad's iPhone up in my room. We were getting calls and texts nonstop. I probably wouldn't know my dad's cell number as well if it weren't for that day. I said it so many times.
Sometime in the afternoon, a friend of mine came over. I'm still not sure how the news spread that quickly... She was great and very comforting. Poor soul didn't know what to do, so she started to clean my room...
But I was fine.
I wasn't sad, or upset, or angry, or anything.
I was fine.
When my sister came home from college, it bothered her so much that I was fine. She's just the opposite of me. When something happens, she's much more emotional about it. Where with me, it takes a while for the understanding to actually sink in.
But I was fine until sometime late spring.

I guess if you care to know what happened to my mom, here it is.
She had an aneurysm in her right leg artery thing. Eventually, a blood clot formed in it. The clot got loose from the aneurysm, and travelled through her artery thing, until it hit her lungs. Right where the branches of her lungs split, the clot got stuck.
No oxygenated blood = no oxygen.
No oxygen = no breathe.
She pretty much literally choked to death.

Yeah.
She died.
They said she was in the ambulance on the way to the hospital downtown (they only got as far as the emergency room), she coded (which basically means died).
She was on life support and a medically induced coma for idk how long..
Again, I was pretty oblivious to the whole thing.

I had an appointment scheduled for the 6th to get my wisdom teeth removed.
My dad almost cancelled it.
But he didn't and everything went fine with me.
I spent the rest of the day at a friends house (because everyone was downtown at the hospital), crocheting and watching crappy Disney sequels.

But my mom's fine.
They did surgeries, and let her out around mid-February.
She has to take meds, and has regular appointments.

But the important part is that she's here.

I know she'll probably never read this.
Which is fine...
But if there's one thing I would change, I would tell her I love her more often.

Because I mean we take relationships so for granted.
But we don't deserve any of it.
We should wake up every morning, thanking God for our families and friends and food.
But we get preoccupied with the events of the day, and forget how impermanent we human beings are.


So yeah.
Today was one year since all that crap.

That's one of the things that stemmed my depressing. But that's another story for another day.

So today, and every day, I challenge you to remember your families. Because they won't be there forever. Cherish every moment. Because anything could happen, and you never are prepared.

That's all really.. Sorry about the feels overload.

But not sorry, 'cause it helped.

Goodnight, beautiful humans