My life has gone through the wringer so much.
There's been friends gained, some friends lost, and some friends who are still somewhere in between.
Right now I'm a bit upset because parents.
My mom tries to understand me.. I guess...
I feel like she thinks she understands, but she really doesn't.
And it's just like what's most upsetting is that after almost a year of being isolated and alone, I'm starting to like be involved in friendships again.
And then now she's like saying my friends aren't important...
Well she's saying that school, my home life, and my respect for her are more important.
And sure, yeah. Those things are technically more important than friendships.
But I guess she forgets that just a few months ago I was willing to kill myself because of my lack of friends and involvement.
I guess she forgets that I know what she's telling me.
I know the friends I have now won't last forever.
And that's why I'm trying to hang on to them as long as I can.
I'm so afraid of being alone again.
And she doesn't care about that.
She cares about my school life and accountability and responsibility.
And I understand that.
But I don't care about it.
Even just last week, I would've believed that "alone is what I have, alone protects me".
And now I know that "friends protect people".
But it's being shot down every day.
I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of people saying they understand and saying they care, when they really don't.
I'm sick of people commanding me to do certain things.
I'm sick of people commanding me to believe certain things.
I'm sick of people commanding me to feel certain ways.
I just want to live my own life. Experience my own hurts. And enjoy my own freedom (which isn't much, but still).
I want to be understood and loved.
I want to keep the friends I love and trust closest to me while I have them.
I'm sick of being translucent.
I want to be opaque like the rest of the world.
But I can't be.
I used to think I could be. I thought it yesterday. I thought it the day before, and the day before that.
But now I don't feel translucent.
I feel transparent.
My parents have the strange ability to take all of the worth and love that I get from my friends, and suck it dry.
I don't have a good ending for this.. I just needed to rant.....
Thanks for listening.
Please don't reject me like they do.
Please don't let me be transparent anymore.
